On coming back to myself…

So, I wanted to share something a little more personal and while browsing through some of my own writings on a different site, I came across this little rambling that I let fall out of my head a few months ago.

It’s worth noting that I did drag myself out of this place…I’m certain I’ll find my way back again, but as long as I always acknowledge it and push forward I will always find a way out.

Hopefully it might help a soul or two if it resonates with anyone…

I’m externalising again, and I need to come back to myself.

It’s been such a crazy few weeks…months…that I’ve let myself slip out of the place that I’d finally begun to feel happy in. The place inside myself that is here and now. I’ve always externalised. Always looked outside for something to fill the void, something to make it better. I’m not even looking right now for anything to make things better, I couldn’t be happier with my life, I’m just so damn used to living there that I hadn’t even noticed I’d been doing it.

It came like a lightening bolt, out of the blue. The ground beneath me shook and for a moment, I lost my bearings. I began to fall and while I looked around for someone to catch me, I realised I’d been doing it again…Looking around for someone to catch me.

Catch your own damn self, Ej.

Life runs away with you when you’re not looking. I need to stop and catch my breath again. I need to get back to myself. I was there…I know I can do it again…I just need to reign myself in and sit in it.

I feel like there’s pain to come.

I never liked pain…Well, not in this manner, anyway.

But you can’t grow without pain, and you can’t learn if you consistently turn your back on the lessons.

I think my ground shook for a reason. Maybe to throw me off balance, maybe to force me to see. I trusted the ground to stay safe and stable. But even the ground can shake and crumble.

This inane rambling was brought to you from the messed up mind of Ej…Don’t worry if it makes no sense to you…It probably wasn’t meant to.

(Picture credit – Me! I painted that!) untitled.png

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2 thoughts on “On coming back to myself…

  1. I am speechless. I have been fighting my mental illness. I take care of everyone but myself then because I expect everyone to take care of me. Well it is not working and it is getting worse. What I am trying to say is that what you wrote was eye opening. Thank you Susan

    Liked by 1 person

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